AARRGGGHHH!

No I'm not being a pirate.

I must be depressed. Lately, I feel like I hate my life. Do you ever feel that way?
I HATE feeling that way.

I like to read NieNie (check my sidebar, she has a blog there) because she has it much harder than I do and she perseveres through it all. I love her. She is honest, even when it's ugly. And she helps me put my "AAARRRGGGGHHHH's" into perspective.

Do you ever find it hard to be honest with yourself? I do.

Like why, honestly, do I choose to homeschool? I don't know all the honest answers to that question BUT I HONESTLY don't have the patience for it! That doesn't mean I quit (though many days I'd like to). It means...I don't know...I NEED a break SOMETIME! And I cannot HONESTLY figure out what in the world would give me just the break I need. I think about vacation, but then the coming home part hits me like a hammer. Nothing will have changed at home. I think about them going to their Aunt's for a week, and I think about all the housework that I want to accomplish while they're away (not a break for me). I think about all the things they "should" be doing and I see every day that it's not the way it's "supposed" to be and I am frustrated.

Why can't I be calm?
I know. It's because it is MY responsibility to teach them and I feel responsible when they fail. That's honest. If they fail I feel like it's my fault. And I wonder, how would I feel if I sent them to school and they failed? Would it be the teacher's fault? We'd say "no", right? It doesn't make it easier. It is a heavy load to carry. And I'm the one that determines what "fail" is for them. It stinks. Responsibility stinks. There's no one else to blame. I am responsible.

Did I mention that I lost a disc of curriculum that costs $100? That, too, STINKS. And so far I haven't been able to hear the Spirit whisper to me where I can find it. Which doesn't help my attitude. Which leads me to feel more like, "I hate my life". It's temporary. But it stinks. I can't wait til this part of my life has "came to pass" and I can move on to the part where I say, "I LOVE MY LIFE!" I have been there before and I hope to be there again, VERY SOON!

Did I also mention that my house is a perpetual mess? That STINKS royally!, to me. I CANNOT stand a dirty house, so the fact that the kids are home 24/7 to make messes (even though they DO clean) makes me pretty much insane! Every time I turn around there is ANOTHER mess and I know you'd like to think I am exaggerating, because I often do exaggerate, but I am not. I am being honest. One mess gets cleaned and another is made. And the noise of 4 children and their mother cooped up in the same house with the same people for months on end...I'm sure you can imagine.

Honestly. There should be moderation in ALL things. We ALL need a break.

I am grateful for the sun that is mostly out today. I sure do need it.
I am grateful for a sister-in-law that is willing to keep all of my kids for a whole week (if they can all successfully get a B or higher on a Math quiz).
I am grateful for General Conference coming quickly to give me a break from Nursery.
I am grateful for my hubby who can fix cars (and vans), and computers, and so many other things, and whose gentle touch calms me faster than ice melts in Arizona.
I am grateful for children who love their mother even though they've heard her yell more than any NBA coach ever has.
I am grateful for a vacation in Oregon and Utah in May where I get to see some of my family for two whole weeks.
I am grateful for a healthy body because I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.
I am grateful for our Savior. Because without Him I would fail. And I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost that lets me know it's true.
I am grateful for the bad days because it helps me appreciate the good one's. I think I'm ready for some good one's.
I am grateful that the warm weather is almost here so I can thaw out! I DO like it WARM!!!
I am grateful for chocolate, I don't know exactly why. The smell and the flavor are awesome but the having to burn the calories is no picnic.
I am grateful for life, even when I don't "love" it.