I knew they would come...

The day after my last post I was already beginning to feel better. These days are getting so much better.

It's amazing how hard it is to "Let go, and let God". (I have magnet on my fridge that says that). It reminds me to let go of the things I can't control and let God take care of it.

I could drive myself crazy searching for the lost disc of curriculum and be frustrated each day that I don't find it, OR I can let it go and if I do find it some day, be grateful! I decided to do the latter because, quite frankly, I have a hard enough time being satisfied with each day.

I am feeling much more at peace, content, and happy with the kids, with homeschool (I changed Chases English), with my marriage, and with job-searching (for a legal job for Eric). I am enjoying the sunshine this morning and the prospect of spring weather for the rest of the week! I am grateful for Eric's help, support, and love.

I need to enjoy the good around me and stop trying to make it "ideal", that way I can limit comparisons and recognise progress. Then the kids will know that their efforts are not in vain. Perfection is not required but effort is.

I am grateful that I can teach my children that homosexuality is not okay and that tolerance doesn't mean giving in to people's ideas of making what they're doing wrong, seem right. I am grateful that I can teach my children about chastity without the opposite being flaunted in their faces in the bathroom stalls, hallways, conversations (heard or overheard), and even in classrooms. I am grateful to be able to teach them about being responsible (though it seems an impossible task, at times). I am grateful that they are smart, that they are growing and learning and that I get to be part of that. I am grateful that they get to learn about our great nation's beginnings and the faithful men and women (what good man doesn't have a good woman behind him?) that worked so hard to build it's Constitution. I am grateful that we get to have prayer in our school; it is necessary. I am grateful that perfection isn't required but effort is (in school).

Yay! for happy days!

AARRGGGHHH!

No I'm not being a pirate.

I must be depressed. Lately, I feel like I hate my life. Do you ever feel that way?
I HATE feeling that way.

I like to read NieNie (check my sidebar, she has a blog there) because she has it much harder than I do and she perseveres through it all. I love her. She is honest, even when it's ugly. And she helps me put my "AAARRRGGGGHHHH's" into perspective.

Do you ever find it hard to be honest with yourself? I do.

Like why, honestly, do I choose to homeschool? I don't know all the honest answers to that question BUT I HONESTLY don't have the patience for it! That doesn't mean I quit (though many days I'd like to). It means...I don't know...I NEED a break SOMETIME! And I cannot HONESTLY figure out what in the world would give me just the break I need. I think about vacation, but then the coming home part hits me like a hammer. Nothing will have changed at home. I think about them going to their Aunt's for a week, and I think about all the housework that I want to accomplish while they're away (not a break for me). I think about all the things they "should" be doing and I see every day that it's not the way it's "supposed" to be and I am frustrated.

Why can't I be calm?
I know. It's because it is MY responsibility to teach them and I feel responsible when they fail. That's honest. If they fail I feel like it's my fault. And I wonder, how would I feel if I sent them to school and they failed? Would it be the teacher's fault? We'd say "no", right? It doesn't make it easier. It is a heavy load to carry. And I'm the one that determines what "fail" is for them. It stinks. Responsibility stinks. There's no one else to blame. I am responsible.

Did I mention that I lost a disc of curriculum that costs $100? That, too, STINKS. And so far I haven't been able to hear the Spirit whisper to me where I can find it. Which doesn't help my attitude. Which leads me to feel more like, "I hate my life". It's temporary. But it stinks. I can't wait til this part of my life has "came to pass" and I can move on to the part where I say, "I LOVE MY LIFE!" I have been there before and I hope to be there again, VERY SOON!

Did I also mention that my house is a perpetual mess? That STINKS royally!, to me. I CANNOT stand a dirty house, so the fact that the kids are home 24/7 to make messes (even though they DO clean) makes me pretty much insane! Every time I turn around there is ANOTHER mess and I know you'd like to think I am exaggerating, because I often do exaggerate, but I am not. I am being honest. One mess gets cleaned and another is made. And the noise of 4 children and their mother cooped up in the same house with the same people for months on end...I'm sure you can imagine.

Honestly. There should be moderation in ALL things. We ALL need a break.

I am grateful for the sun that is mostly out today. I sure do need it.
I am grateful for a sister-in-law that is willing to keep all of my kids for a whole week (if they can all successfully get a B or higher on a Math quiz).
I am grateful for General Conference coming quickly to give me a break from Nursery.
I am grateful for my hubby who can fix cars (and vans), and computers, and so many other things, and whose gentle touch calms me faster than ice melts in Arizona.
I am grateful for children who love their mother even though they've heard her yell more than any NBA coach ever has.
I am grateful for a vacation in Oregon and Utah in May where I get to see some of my family for two whole weeks.
I am grateful for a healthy body because I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.
I am grateful for our Savior. Because without Him I would fail. And I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost that lets me know it's true.
I am grateful for the bad days because it helps me appreciate the good one's. I think I'm ready for some good one's.
I am grateful that the warm weather is almost here so I can thaw out! I DO like it WARM!!!
I am grateful for chocolate, I don't know exactly why. The smell and the flavor are awesome but the having to burn the calories is no picnic.
I am grateful for life, even when I don't "love" it.

Homeschool

It is amazing how many people worry about your children's education when you homeschool. I guess it's because it's a curious thing. In the middle of the day if you go to Goodwill the checkout lady may ask why your children aren't in school and when you tell her that you homeschool she asks how long the kids school each day. When you let her know that they're done when they're done she gives up the questions with a "hmm". Discontent. As if learning is measured by hours, like a job.
Nobody else would worry what my children were learning if they were in public school. They wouldn't worry about them being bullied, or harassed, or falling behind, or being bored because they're smart and have to wait for other students. They may even say that those experiences are necessary to my children's education. Don't they know what being a sibling is like? There are plenty of opportunities to learn about being bullied, harassed, and conflict resolution within the home. Believe me! I'm still learning it all!
They wouldn't worry that some agenda was being pushed that doesn't cooincide with my beliefs or that my child would have a curriculum emphasized in certain areas because our school system scored low in those areas on the standardized tests, slacking off on the other portions of my children's education that I think are important. They don't care that you only get to see your children for a few short hours a day and that some, if not a lot, of that time is doing homework (you know, school work at home, homeschool? ;oD).
But I would.
So my children don't fit the mold of the masses...I prefer it that way. I've seen the way the masses are headed.